I’ve taught over 5,000 children—I keep giving parents the same ‘incredibly simple’ advice

Parents today ask their children many questions. And often for the right reasons: They want respect and cooperation.

I hear them asking for buy-in on everyday decisions (“What would you like to eat for dinner?”), disguising frustration as questions (“How many times do I have to tell you?”), or negotiating where a clear boundary would work best (“How about we take a shower first, then watch another show?”).

Questions can certainly help build communication and encourage reflection, but they often backfire by creating confusion and unnecessary power struggles.

I have worked with over 5,000 families as a preschool teacher, professor and child development specialist. An incredibly simple rule that I come back to over and over again is this: Say what you mean.

Children do not have the experience or emotional maturity to evaluate all decisions or decide what happens next. They need clear and confident leadership.

This is why unanswered “why” questions often increase embarrassment or defensiveness. A more effective way is to see what you want to say, and communicate that simply and directly:

• Instead of: “Why do I have to ask you so many times?!”
• Try it: “I’ve been repeating myself over and over again. I know that’s boring for both of us. Right now it’s time to put on your shoes and go.”

• Instead of: “Why did you do that?!”
• Try it: “I see this has become a pattern. It is something we will both work on.”

Do you see the difference? One way is increasing shame and defensiveness. One invites collaboration, reflection and problem solving.

One of my basic principles of parenting is what I call the Say What It Says Principle. Before you react, ask yourself: What am I actually trying to communicate?

Then say:

• Instead of: “Why did you call your brother?!”
• Try it: “You cannot hit your brother. Even if you are angry, there is no hitting. How can you show him that you are angry in another way?”

• Instead of: “Why is your room so messy?”
• Try it: “I see a lot of things on the floor that don’t belong there. Let’s clean them together.”

Children need guidance more than interrogation, and clarification is often more effective than questioning.

Another common pitfall is turning simple instructions into questions. Parents often say things like “Can you put your shoes on?” or “After this show, time for bed, okay?”

Parents are trying to sound polite and gentle, which I understand. But if non-negotiable tasks are included as questions, children can get confused that the task is voluntary. After all, you it asked.

This opens the door to unnecessary power struggles and a child who may interpret everything as a negotiation.

Instead, try calm and direct statements:

• “Please put on your shoes. We’re leaving.”
• “Dinner is ready. Please wash your hands.”
• “It’s time for bed.”

Clear leadership often helps children feel calm and cooperative.

Questions are incredibly important in helping children think, solve problems, express themselves, and build self-confidence and self-awareness. Those are the conversations we want the most.

Children don’t need endless questions to feel respected. Asking fewer questions means we can be more objective about when leadership is needed, when collaboration is appropriate, and when your child needs clarity instead of negotiation.

Over time, these small communication changes can create big changes in your home.

Siggie Cohen is a child development expert and author of the new book “You are a parent.” She graduated from Pepperdine University with a master’s degree in education and psychology, and from Northcentral University with a PhD in philosophy. She is the mother of three grown sons, and currently resides in the Bay Area, where she is in private practice.

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