‘Happy dads’ tackle 5 things about parenting that most people forget, says an expert
Even if you never plan to wrestle with a toddler before bed, we can all use a little energy for fun. There’s a reason this theory exists: Dads spend a lot of time playing with their kids, and they often enjoy it. In fact, fathers report that they feel happier when interacting with their children than during other daily activities.
Of course, fathers may have more room to play in part because mothers carry more of the psychological burden of parenting. On average, mothers report that they are responsible for about 73% of all household chores compared to 27% of their partners, and it’s stressful.
As we work to rebalance the less exciting parts of parenting and home management, we shouldn’t forget what fun dads are up to: Storytelling. And it’s great for adults, too.
This Father’s Day, here are five fun habits worth borrowing.
1. They don’t think much about fun
Having fun becomes difficult when we put too much pressure on it. Not every game needs to be epic. Happy dads see a long way in small moments of play, like introducing your kids to your old LEGOs or pretending to be a monster with your toddler while getting ready in the morning.
Adults often think that our free time needs to be productive. What’s the point of a hobby if we don’t develop a marketable skill or turn it into a side hustle? We end up making fun of ourselves and feel like work before we even start.
Also, passive entertainment asks nothing of us. Sometimes that’s exactly what we need when we’re tired.
2. They start with action, not feeling
Adults often wait to feel the play before they play. But that makes the order wrong. Most of us can’t think our way into a happy state.
Happy dads often skip emotional foreplay. They just start with something funny or turn the task into a challenge and see what happens. Emotions can come in unexpected ways.
When writer Derek Thompson reflected on playing a monster with his young child, he said: “There was nothing in my life that I could have expected this show of victims or the joy I get from it.”
3. They leave room for distraction
Today’s adults are already restless, but often in the wrong way. We are quick to let our phones steal our attention, yet we resent it when real people do the same.
But if we are not willing to be distracted by the people in front of us, we will miss their attempts to communicate with us. Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman call these “communication bids,” and they find that cohabiting couples are much more likely to resort to these bids than couples who eventually divorce.
Disruption means loosening up our jobs and our plans to make room for real people to come in.
4. They exit the manager mode
Boss mode has its place. It helps keep the kids fed, the bills paid, and the family on time. But the game works as an improvement. You have to be curious and flexible because you can’t plan everything in advance. You have to pay attention to what comes up and build from there.
That can sometimes feel uncomfortable because it requires us to give up some control. Happy dads know how to immerse themselves in whatever game, joke or adventure their kids are invited to, and they’re willing to look silly and make some mistakes while doing it.
5. They treat happiness as part of the point
We often take playing as a break from life. In a sense, it is. Play helps us recover from the demands of work and caregiving by reducing stress and increasing resilience.
But happiness and human connection are essential elements of a prosperous life. They give us something that we cannot get from more work. As novelist Michael Chabon says, “[My] books, unlike my children, don’t like me either.”
That doesn’t mean happy dads are off the hook for the hard parts of parenting. They also need to engage in unpleasant work. Happy fathers, as much as they can, do not stop raising children. They are happy because they take it seriously.
They understand something that overworked adults forget: A good life includes work and responsibility. It includes living room matches, crazy stories, and regular moments to show our loved ones that we appreciate them.
Jen ZamzowPhD, is an assistant professor of health care ethics at Concordia University Irvine, an author, and a mother to two young boys. You can find out register in his journal”A Healthy Life.” Funding for this project was provided in part by the UC Berkeley Center for Good Science, as part of its “Spreading Love Through Media” program, supported by the John Templeton Foundation.
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